depression.

depression |diˈpre sh ən|
noun
1 severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy
2 the lowering or reducing of something
3 the action of pressing down on something

"how depressed can you get?"

this question was directed at me the other day. interesting... no?

in essence I was being "called out" for the state of my life or my attitude towards the life in which i live.

I don't hide behind a smile all the time.

i must be depressed. logical conclusion.

In no way am I looking to take "shots" here, but I guess i am frustrated with this. If one person believes this... than there is the possibility that many do. There are no hard feelings and this is not a backstabbing attempt. So... to the general public. Get over it and read it.

So... in an attempt to explain where I am at... Here we go (an excerpt from a previous personal email I wrote):

And... as easy as you probably think this has been for me... it hasn't been. So... yes... I may be a little "off"... but nobody ever said wrestling with stuff and growing and maturing was bad.

And... Even more than that... Campus Life takes a toll on me... When you become so involved... so invested into these kids lives... they tell you what they are dealing with... and it sucks. And... so when my kids hurt. I hurt. And there is a hell of a lot of hurt present in that school... in their families... in their lives.... and so yes... I bear that burden... Too much?? Maybe... but I think it comes with investing in these kids so much it hurts... again... maybe its just me... but when a girl tells me she got raped by her dad the other night and it was the third time it has happened... I can not and I will not shrug that off like it doesn't phase me... like it doesn't break my heart. bullshit. or when a kid tells me he didn't eat dinner last night because his dad was too drunk to function. Are you freaking kidding me?

(Referring to the previous blog: evil.) This stems yes... from my kids... Tired of them getting hurt by this cruel world.... but more than that...

I have a couple friends... one in-particular... that is going through a hell of a lot right now... previously suicidal... physically and emotionally abused... so... this again is an attempt to encourage them... and to help bear their burden.

Maybe this is a problem in the world... people caring too much... haha psyche.... maybe we should stop being so damn apathetic and numb to stuff that happens and bear some of the weight once in a while... to whom much is given much is expected.. and yes... maybe this makes me or somebody "depressed" for a while... but I can't and I won't sit here and let somebody tell me that is a bad thing. I can't. No way."

So... am I depressed? Ha. Come to your own conclusion.

_abe

So... when you tell me "cheer up, life is beautiful"... You are right... life is beautiful... and I have thoroughly enjoyed myself this semester/year... but my bad for being fairly transparent. Next time... I will just continue to be fake and smile and laugh all the time. Just send the pain below... cover it up... secrets and apathy help the healing... psyche. Because... Life must be funny and cheerful at all times... and if it isn't all shits and giggles... then there is no way that I am enjoying life and thankful to be alive.