_to write "darkness"

changing things up.

2009-02-12T23:02:00.001-08:00

Hello Friends. I am changing things up. I am moving blogging addresses.... please change the bookmark on your browsers... head over and check this place out. more will be coming soon as I get a chance to update everything. check back often at the new place. lets dialogue suckas.

abejanson.wordpress.com

Micky D Sweet Tea.

2009-02-09T17:28:00.000-08:00

Yet... another simple gesture of random kindness that made my day. I got a text during class, "Where will you be in exactly 10 minutes?"

I replied, "Baker 3. Why?"

The response: "Good. See you outside Baker in 10."

Standing there... feeling like a prostitute on a street corner as I watched what seemed like the entire campus walk to and from class pass me with glancing eyes.

In the distance I see a car coming towards me with a large white cup being held out the drivers window... without even stopping the exchange is made... a large Mickey D Sweet Tea.

The mystery driver. My roommate.

Blessings.

abe

AJ's Diner.

2009-02-08T15:29:00.001-08:00

In a pure moment of genius... we have decided to open a diner. Yes. That's right. James, Taylor, Adam, Andrew, and myself have decided to put our skills together to start a diner to serve our friends and to make new ones. AJ's Diner: Breakfast After Dark is open Saturday's from 10pm till whenever the crowd decides to mozy on home in Adam's apartment. It really is pure genius. We buy the food, we invite anybody and everybody we see and know to come join us... we cook it and serve it (yes... Adam and Taylor are our full-time waiters) and we fellowship...We have a little jar on the counter for donations if our customers feel so inclined to help cover the costs of a delicious meal.
Positions:
Abe - Head Chef: in charge of homemade pancakes and eggs cooked the way you like
James - Associate Chef: in charge of cracking eggs, toast, and the occasional piece of french toast
Andrew - All time dishwasher
Adam - Head waiter/General Manager
Taylor - Associate waiter

The really awesome part I wanted to share with you is this... James and I were in the grocery getting the goods for the eventful evening. We had a cart load and were heading up to check out. I ran into a guy I know heading towards the front of the store. His name is Vince and he has two kids in Campus Life... a 6th grade girl and a 7th grade boy. Vince is a great guy. After talking with him for a few minutes and catching up on his life, he asked if we were heading to check out. We said yes and he replied, "Great. Give me your cart." We were like what? No we got it. He then said, "You hang out with my kids all the time and are serve as a positive role model for them... its the least I can do." I pridefully declined.... then he said, "No. You don't understand. Got bring your car up front. I'm getting these for you. Have a great night."

What could we do?

So... we handed over our cart... at first I tried to fight him... amazingly it was very hard for me to accept his generosity... I don't know why... but it was. Regardless... it was an awesome gesture... one that is greatly appreciated... and a humbling experience. It was just a little glimpse of how we are supposed to live i believe...

Anyways... we were able to start the diner with no start up costs and were able to bank the money we made for next weeks diner and community. What a great and simple blessing.

Peace love and small children.

oh... and we got hats... haha! ballin! (the writing really isn't backwards... its just what the webcam does to writing... lol)

catholicism.

2009-01-29T09:13:00.000-08:00

Lamott had a Catholic friend growing up. She spent a lot of time at her house with her family. Her friends Dad would always come home drunk and beat her mother.... they would both go to sleep crying... but wake up in the morning with the smell of bacon and eggs cooking downstairs and her friends mom and dad sitting together on the couch reading... then they would go to church... Everything was perfect Sunday morning. Bizarre to me... but this is all Lamott knew about the Catholic Church... She just assumed that is how all "Catholic Dad's" acted... She loved Catholic Church... she loved everything about it... she didn't know much but church made her feel good.

Reflecting later on her view of God... She explains her perceptions:

"Looking back on the God my friend believed in, he seems a little erratic, not entirely unlike her father-- God as borderline personality. It was like believing in the guy who ran the dime store, someone with a kind face but who was always running behin and had already heard everyone of your lame excuses a dozen times before... This God could be loving and reassuring one minute, sure that you had potential, and then fiercely disappointed the next, noticing every little mistake and just in general what a fraud you really were. He was a God whom his children could talk to, confide in, and trust, unless his mood shifted suddenly and he decided instead to blow up Sodom and Gomorrah."

"No one in our family believed in God-- it was like we'd all signed some sort of loyalty oath early on, agreeing not to believe in God in deference to the pain of my father's cold Christian childhood. I went to church with my grandparents sometimes and I loved it. It slaked my thirst. But I pretended to think it was foolish, because that pleased my father. I lived for him. He was my first God."

The last sentence has rocked my world lately. It brings me to question who my first God was... who and what my god's are... the things that I trade daily for an incredible love and unconditional relationship.

It really is an incredible journey... and quite the testament to a saving grace. It's been a good read so far.
Thoughts?

Peace and blessings.
Abe

vitamin c and zinc.

2009-01-29T08:55:00.000-08:00

hello friends.

how are we? i pray all is well in your spheres of life and influence.

I have been on a reading kick lately. haha. I know... imagine that. novel idea.

I have started two books... the first is Anne Lamott's "Traveling Mercies"

and the second is "A Severe Mercy" by Sheldon Vanauken and C.S. Lewis.

Both have treated me well... I am going to focus on Lamott's "Travelling Mercies" in the next few posts.. I use the plural form of post because I hope to write consistently.

This is quite an interesting book. It is the Lamott's story of her life... growing up to the present. It is quite humorous and brutally raw and honest. Lamott talks in depth about her struggles growing up, her addictions to dope, cocaine, alcohol, and sex. She openly and honestly shares from her heart about how painful her life has been. Through it all... she claims she has always had faith... just never practiced it. She always knew there was something bigger than her self... but she was too stubborn or too drunk to let Christ pierce her life. Eventually she got pregnant by a man she never knew. Her friend encouraged her to get an abortion so she did. A week afterward she had not been sober since the abortion, lying awake in her bed she talks about and describes this presence/person/force come into her room and sit at the foot of her bed. Thinking this illusion was from the alcohol and cocaine.... she tried to shrug it off... but it would never go away. She later recognizes and loudly proclaims it was Christ who came into her room to sit with her and console her by his presence... This is the short jist of the book so far... It is quite interesting and openly raw... which is quite refreshing.

More to come.

Blessings.

Abe

anberlin.

2009-01-18T21:07:00.001-08:00

hello friends.

in a split second game time decision on friday... my roommate and i and a few friends decided at 4:00pm to drive the over three hour drive to grand rapids, mi to make it to an anberlin concert at 8:00... one of the better decisions of my life. we arrived with time to spare and got seats no more than 30 feet away from the stage... dead center. couldn't have worked out better.

the concert was absolutely amazing. phenomenal. great. you get the point. one of the best... if not THE best show I have ever been to... the song lineup for those who are avid fans was as follows:

Disappear
Never Take Friendship Personal
Paperthin Hymn
A Day Late
Adelaide
Unwinding Cable Car
The Resistance
Hello Alone
(*Fin)
Dismantle Repair
The Feel Good Drag

Encore: Godspeed

phew.... it was incredible.

And yes... i forgot my camera in my truck. unforgivable.

ski patrol.

2009-01-11T07:23:00.001-08:00

so... as i was thoroughly enjoying my time in the CO shredding the mountain gnar... I may or may not have been hitting the mushy powder on a closed off run deemed an "avalanche zone" and gotten in trouble with ski patrol and got our lift tickets jacked and then got on a lift and had to jump off because we were "stealing services" and possibly chased down the mountain by ski patrol yet again... i'm just saying... it might have happened...

here's to the memories.

no apologies nor any excuses.

2009-01-11T07:12:00.001-08:00

hello friends.

here goes an attempt to blog on a fairly regular basis. i really haven't felt the "call" to share anything with you all... so instead of forcing it i just retired for a bit... a sabbatical if you will.

let's see... life is great. its grand. its wonderful. its beautiful. its fantastic. i'm alive and i am so thankful for that gift... all too often i take for granted that i was given the chance to wake up yet again.

the past couple months have been really nice. life has slowed down a bit.

the rest is copied from my monthly personal update letter i send out through YFC. i think it gives a nice little picture of where i am at.

Hey Guys!

Merry 2009! The Holidays were filled absolute enjoyment. I was able to return to Michigan for a few weeks and spend some much needed quality time at home with my family and also a bit with my friends. It was splendid and I loved every second of it. The last 10 days of the holiday break were quite magnificent. I spent them in middle of the Colorado Rockies with a bunch of friends from my summer at Noah’s. Most days were spent skiing pristine mountains such as Copper, Breckenridge, and Monarch while the “days off” usually involved a lazy morning of coffee and community ending in a little snowshoeing along the Arkansas River or up Cottonwood Pass. The time in Colorado was incredible and I cherished every moment. Like usual, it was darn near impossible to return to Indiana to a full load of classes and homework. Such is life…

Let me be honest for a few sentences. Campus Life towards the end of last semester really became a burden. It no longer was a passion. It was simply just a job. And I hated it. I didn’t hate Campus Life, no I love Campus Life and what it is. But I truly hated how it had become a job and nothing more. I can’t tell you a specific event or happening that caused this collapse, but I can tell you it was a slow fade. So… I ended the semester fairly frustrated and discouraged.

Through the frustration, however, I was really able to work through some things. I prayed for a new rekindled passion for these kids. And amazing how this works sometimes… I got what I asked for. I woke up one morning thinking of all these new games and events we could do and I continually was thinking about kids all day. I haven’t been able to get those kids and that school out of my head for the past week. I am so excited to get back at it. With perfect timing like usual, I have been bombarded with just loads of encouraging emails and notes and those have meant the world. I have no idea where we are headed this year… but that is all a part of the beauty of it. We shall see where He leads.

So I leave you with this, a few encouraging thoughts for you and me in this next year: “Be bold and courageous. When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the things you did. When facing a difficult task, act as though it is impossible to fail.”

“'To get something you never had, you have to do something you have never done.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.’”

2009… Wow. Time flies when your having fun. I LOVED 2008. I truly did. It was great. Full of memories I will never forget. And the question that begs to be answered now, “What could possibly be in store for 2009?” The year of 2008 rocked my world. Can it get better? The answer is a simple and resounding, Yes.
Be blessed! Don’t forget you’re alive.

Peace and blessings friends.

abe

abscess.

2008-11-19T21:30:00.000-08:00

I'm becoming much more of an introvert. Regardless. Here is some Truth I have found/rediscovered lately.

"Here is where we begin to let the Spirit of God reveal to us aspects of our inner being that have been invisible to our view but that now we begin to see as hindrances to our growth toward wholeness in the image of Christ. God is very gracious in revealing these things to us, not all at once, but only as we are able to deal with them… We think that we are holding nothing back, and that we are not clinging to ourselves or to anything else. We should rather die than hesitate to make a complete sacrifice. But, in the daily round, God constantly show us new areas. We find in our hearts a thousand things, which we would have sworn were not there. God only shows them to us as he makes them appear. It is like an abscess which bursts. The moment when it bursts is the only one that horrifies us. Before that we were carrying it without feeling it, and we did not think we had it. However, we did have it, and it only broke because we had it. When it was hidden, we thought that we were healthy and quite as we should be. When it breaks we smell the stench of the pus. The breaking is healthy, although it is painful and disgusting. Each of us carries in the depth of his heart a mass of filth, which would make us die of shame if God should show us all its poison and horror. Self-love would be in an unbearable suffering. I am not speaking now of those whose hearts are gangrenous with enormous vices. I am speaking of the souls which seem honest and pure. We should see a foolish vanity which does not dare to come out in the open, and which stays in shame in the deepest folds of the heart. We should see self-complacencies, heights of pride, subtle selfishness and a thousand windings within, which are as real as they are inexplicable… At this stage God begins the process of disclosing to us those deep festering sores of our being in order that we may offer them up to God through the disciplines into which we have been led for their healing."

_Mulholland
Invitation to a Journey

aWESOME.

2008-11-09T14:17:00.000-08:00

a prolonged absence.

oh well.

I have been faced with the fierce reality that I replace the "awesome-ness" of God and his saving glory and the everyday miracles i witness daily with my frail desire for worldly things.

hello fall.

2008-10-09T21:47:00.000-07:00

I freaking love fall. Everything about it is good. Cool weather, changing leaves, soccer, bon fires... the list could go on.

However, in spite of crazy busy times... I have found God, Community, and Joy.

Hallelujah.

Blessings

reminiscing.

2008-09-28T19:23:00.001-07:00

here is to the days of summer: no homework, no stress, no commitments, no drama, no shirt, no shoes, no worries.

oh to be free. in honor of those days. zoomflume @ 3400 cfs.
(found this randomly on my computer the other day... this is of when the janson clan went rafting in the CO... watch at the end as Em just gets drenched by a surge.) :)

still completely and utterly amazed that was my job. what a blessing.

humbly.

2008-09-17T21:38:00.000-07:00

I am beginning to feel the weight of this semester resting squarely on my shoulders... With everything I am involved in and committed to... deadlines and due dates and practices and games and Campus Life is becoming a bit overwhelming. I am usually to prideful and arrogant to straight up ask for prayer... however... I am slowly learning to humble myself.

So I ask that when you read this and whenever you think about me that you would lift me up in prayer.

Thanks guys.

Blessings.

Naroba.

to the days of old.

the spot.

2008-09-09T05:19:00.001-07:00

So... I have found fun in Indiana. Surprising? For sure.

This is a little place we now refer to as, "The Spot."

Don't worry. Its safe. :)

missing.

2008-08-24T10:58:00.000-07:00

i miss colorado.

i miss the riv.

i miss the people.

elbow in my grill.

2008-08-18T19:34:00.001-07:00

took a firm elbow to the chops yesterday in practice.

ridiculous.

abeintheCO.blogspot.com

2008-05-23T23:15:00.000-07:00

hey I heard of this really sweet site today... check it out.

abeintheCO.blogspot.com

haha:)

blessings.

blessed.

2008-05-10T05:24:00.001-07:00

I am so blessed.

This week has straight from Hell. Guaranteed.

However.

I have been so blessed in this week.

Countless people have offered encouragement, stopped me on the sidewalk and gave me a hug, brought me chocolate to stay awake, gave me notes of encouragement, helped me study, helped me with homework, and have in general just lifted me up out of this Hell.

It has been amazing to know and to see in very tangible ways that I am loved beyond measure, beyond my failures, beyond my struggles, beyond my stress.

I am so thankful for all the gifts and notes and words of encouragement!

I saw a real glimpse of community... just as I was thinking it may be impossible to achieve... I was proven wrong. We can live in such a manner where love drives our interactions. I feel privileged to be in near the center of those efforts... I only hope that I can pay this love and compassion forward.

much love to you on this beautiful morning.

abe

by the way... leaving for colorado in t-minus 1.5 hours. :)

dead.

2008-05-08T10:02:00.001-07:00

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!! dead.

I have exactly 45 hours before I will be leaving this joint, packing up my gear, and rolling out in the Yota to the big CO.

I have three exams left... one in less than an hour... so I probably shouldn't be on here... Regardless.

Had my last CL Club for the year on Monday... Last CL Student Leaders of the year this morning... and I will do my last lunch run-through of the year tomorrow.

Phew. I got the countdown going. It is now 44 hours and 56 minutes until my departure.

Good day.

abe dubs.

depression.

2008-05-04T10:30:00.001-07:00

depression |diˈpre sh ən|
noun
1 severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy
2 the lowering or reducing of something
3 the action of pressing down on something

"how depressed can you get?"

this question was directed at me the other day. interesting... no?

in essence I was being "called out" for the state of my life or my attitude towards the life in which i live.

I don't hide behind a smile all the time.

i must be depressed. logical conclusion.

In no way am I looking to take "shots" here, but I guess i am frustrated with this. If one person believes this... than there is the possibility that many do. There are no hard feelings and this is not a backstabbing attempt. So... to the general public. Get over it and read it.

So... in an attempt to explain where I am at... Here we go (an excerpt from a previous personal email I wrote):

And... as easy as you probably think this has been for me... it hasn't been. So... yes... I may be a little "off"... but nobody ever said wrestling with stuff and growing and maturing was bad.

And... Even more than that... Campus Life takes a toll on me... When you become so involved... so invested into these kids lives... they tell you what they are dealing with... and it sucks. And... so when my kids hurt. I hurt. And there is a hell of a lot of hurt present in that school... in their families... in their lives.... and so yes... I bear that burden... Too much?? Maybe... but I think it comes with investing in these kids so much it hurts... again... maybe its just me... but when a girl tells me she got raped by her dad the other night and it was the third time it has happened... I can not and I will not shrug that off like it doesn't phase me... like it doesn't break my heart. bullshit. or when a kid tells me he didn't eat dinner last night because his dad was too drunk to function. Are you freaking kidding me?

(Referring to the previous blog: evil.) This stems yes... from my kids... Tired of them getting hurt by this cruel world.... but more than that...

I have a couple friends... one in-particular... that is going through a hell of a lot right now... previously suicidal... physically and emotionally abused... so... this again is an attempt to encourage them... and to help bear their burden.

Maybe this is a problem in the world... people caring too much... haha psyche.... maybe we should stop being so damn apathetic and numb to stuff that happens and bear some of the weight once in a while... to whom much is given much is expected.. and yes... maybe this makes me or somebody "depressed" for a while... but I can't and I won't sit here and let somebody tell me that is a bad thing. I can't. No way."

So... am I depressed? Ha. Come to your own conclusion.

_abe

So... when you tell me "cheer up, life is beautiful"... You are right... life is beautiful... and I have thoroughly enjoyed myself this semester/year... but my bad for being fairly transparent. Next time... I will just continue to be fake and smile and laugh all the time. Just send the pain below... cover it up... secrets and apathy help the healing... psyche. Because... Life must be funny and cheerful at all times... and if it isn't all shits and giggles... then there is no way that I am enjoying life and thankful to be alive.

evil.

2008-04-28T21:39:00.000-07:00

i get so tired of evil.

i get so tired of this corrupt world.

i get so tired of society... and all the hurt it serves up.

how sweet it would be to live on a cloud.

just to float where ever the wind ushers us.

away from this place. keeping a safe distance between our Heaven and this Hell.

what could go wrong on a cloud?

who could hurt us then?

_abe

messy.

2008-04-27T15:37:00.001-07:00

life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy. life is messy.

life is messy. get a freaking mop.

blessings_
Aberoo.

crash.

2008-04-23T19:00:00.000-07:00

stressful time in my life.

in the midst of homework and papers and paperwork for the summer and campus life...

my computer decides to kick the can.

hard-drive. fried.

stressing out a bit.

and yes... let the comments come people... oh you have a mac and it broke... and on and on they come...

regardless.

she crashed. and i am behind. not to mention all that was lost.

_blessings.
noota

windows.

2008-04-16T05:56:00.000-07:00

one month.

2008-04-15T09:23:00.001-07:00

It is exactly one month from now that I will be out in the CO training for the summer. I am so excited to get out there!

It is just going to be an amazing experience... I have no doubt about that.

I am waiting in great anticipation for the relationships I will build, for the lessons I will learn, and for the experiences I will never forget.

I am getting a little tired of this place. This routine.

Yes. I am enjoying life. It has been good. There have been frustrating moments lately... but those are being worked through.

I feel like I just need a change of pace. A new environment.

I was talking with a friend yesterday as I was up way too late "studying" for a test I had this morning... and we started talking about all the crap in each of our lives... and how we... as people... as a society... as student's at a Christian university feel it extremely necessary to guard our lives... our history... our struggles from the people that surround them.

We can't be real. We can't be vulnerable.

I am too afraid my vulnerability will only bring hurt... not support. Condemnation rather than acceptance. Gossip rather than Truth.

And its interesting... I've found the times when I am most the real... the most transparent... are usually the times when I receive the most criticism. Everything is cool as long as I use cute vague wording, neat prose, and don't swear.

Dull it down they scream. Your words are too sharp, too jagged, too real... they might cut something.

Its interesting to think about. I'm a fake. You're a fake. Please don't waste your breath or my time trying to tell me you're not.

Why do I [we] feel the necessity to hide?

Like Adam and Eve behind their fig leaves, we are embarrassed.

Of what? People?

Isn't that funny how that works.

"And I had it down
At least on the outside
I'd put my best side forward
I could smile with the best
And dress like the rest of the messed up church folk singing a song."

blessings_

abe dubs da bling.

unpleasant.

2008-04-06T10:08:00.000-07:00

i think i may have become unpleasant.

what i mean by this is the simple fact that i can feel my self lacking patience.

this only leads to a lack of compassion.

i have become apathetic in life.

so... in someways i have become unpleasant.

not really caring. where does this come from? good question.

all this to say. if i have come across as compassionless... i am truly sorry. i'm sick. its my nature i guess.

goodnight.
artoopa.

failing.

2008-04-03T06:32:00.000-07:00

these past few months have been interesting. i have been working through a lot of thoughts, desires, emotions, convictions, and callings in my life. all in all... its been really good.

lately, however, i have fallen back into my mundane routine of barely making it through the day with a second to spare. time management problems? not neccessarily. I live life by a calendar these days and i have that pretty much under control. my life is compartmentalized. i have my school life. my soccer life. my friend life. my campus life [life]. and the one that gets pushed to the way-side all to often. my "alone time" life.

i did a spiritual practices project for one of my classes, Understanding the Christian Faith. In this project i took a few surveys and did some study on myself and realized... well mainly just verbalized on paper... i have known this for sometime that one of my greatest obstacles keeping me from a deeper, more intimate relationship with God is my busyness. no new news to me... it has been extremely beneficial though to verbalize these thoughts.

its just that. my busyness drowns out the essential part of who i am, who sustains me.

Rick always told me time after time... "Live life intentionally! Do life on purpose!"

He's got it right.... like always. haha. no but seriously. i need to return to a spirit of intentionality in all aspects of my life. no... its not this huge revelation... just an ever present reminder of what my life needs to be about... what needs to come first.

and this is the process.

and this is the sound of the underground, the whisper of history in the making. foundations shaking. revolutionaries dreaming once again mystery is scheming in whispers, conspiracy is breathing...
_greig

love you all.
naropa

noah's.

2008-03-26T10:37:00.000-07:00

For this summer, Noah's has created a blog to encourage all the staff leading up to this summer. You can access it here @ http://noahsarkceblog.blogspot.com/ if you would like to check it out.

I was encouraged today by this quote in one of the blogs:

"not all who wander are lost."

_j.r.r. tolkien

I love it.

I would consider myself wandering, in a search for myself... but I wouldn't call myself lost, just free.

blessings_
abe

influence.

2008-03-24T12:34:00.000-07:00

there is so much hurt in the heart of my kids at Crestview.

words can't really describe all the pain that is present in their hearts... i know that sounds cliche... words can't describe...

but it's the truth.

I am learning a lot. I have the privilege of being available to these kids and to love on them.

And out of my love for these kids comes relationship and out of relationship comes trust and with trust comes dependability and dependability is followed by stability, and because of stability... because I am one thing in these kid's lives that is stable... comes influence.

I am just now slowly realizing the influence I have.

I pray that it is positive.

I long to provide constructive advice and to be a life changing influence on these kids that shapes and radically alters their life towards the Truth.

I pray for patience and the discernment to do this ministry well.

Continually grateful for this opportunity.

Blessings my friends.

_abe

losing my job.

2008-03-06T21:25:00.000-08:00

(some choice words may slip out. plug your eyes :)
I almost lost my job.

Well... not really.

I entered Crestview MS the other day much like I do many times a week to hang out at lunches. As I entered the office to sign in I passed a girl who I have a good relationship with. I am going to call her Kate. Kate comes to Club fairly regular. I don't like to play the favorites game... but I will not lie... she is one of my favorite girls. :) She is super loud and obnoxious... (that may be a selling point). Every time I come into lunches Kate will scream my name across the cafetorium (yes... it is called a cafetorium). I love that kid. Anyways... as I went into the office I passed Kate and she looked like she was sick. After I left the office I caught up with her and asked her if she was ok. She said she was fine. So we walked and talked as we headed to lunch. All of a sudden she just started crying. So we stopped and she told me her stomach hurt. I said... Like you are sick? She said no... and wouldn't say anything else. So I told her to have a seat. We sat there in silence for a bit.

She then told me that she got beat up.

"You got beat up?"

"Yeah... We were in PE and Matt and I ended up in the other gym alone... And he touched me."

"What do you mean he touched you?"

"I mean... He touched me inappropriately... and I yelled at him and told him to stop. But he wouldn't. When I said stop again... He just started punching me in the stomach and he threw me against the wall... and then he speared me with his head over and over again in my stomach... thats why my stomach hurts now."

I was super pissed.

"Kate... Have you told any of the teachers about this?"

"No... Abe I am scared... and I don't trust them... but I trust you... thats why I told you."

I convinced Kate that she needs to stand up for herself and her rights... and through her fear... I convinced her that talking to the principal was the right decision... I went in with her and we took care of that aspect... those details are irrelevant.

After talking to her more about the situation later...

It turns out that this has happened before... it wasn't the first time.

I was so angry. It took all that I am to not go down and beat the living hell out of this kid. I can't explain to you how mad I was that day... I don't know what it is like to be a father... and have your son or daughter get hurt... but I imagine it is very similar to how I felt.

Not only did this idiot hurt Kate physically... He has deeply scarred her emotionally. She is terrified of him. And she is very apprehensive around males that she doesn't know.

Oh... I can not describe to you the emotions this situation has brought out in me... just writing this gets me fired up...

I still have the giant urge to punch this kid every time I see him... but I refrain... barely.

The sad thing is... this kid must have seen this type of behavior modeled somewhere... I mean... A kid does not just act in this manner without first seeing some example... and most likely this event won't change him a single bit. He will continue to act the same way and find other people... girls he can take advantage of...

and this pains me... this rocks me to the core of my being...

i've been working through a lot lately... but this has absolutely rocked my world.

Kate is doing well. I have had many conversations with her and our relationship has deepened. She was very bruised for about a week after the incident... her stomach and back and chest took the brunt of it... but she is living... and taking life head on.

I am so thankful she trusted me enough to come to me with this.

phew.... i am fired up...

blessings friends

love to answer questions and get emails: abramjanson@huntington.edu

fight the injustice. love you.

abe

alive.

2008-02-28T06:48:00.001-08:00

i am still alive.

yeah.

i have been fairly busy lately trying to accomplish everything... but it is manageable.

i am learning a lot.

growing a lot.

it is good.

i will post on a deeper note soon.

peace with you and God speed. (always wanted to say that)

blessings_
abe dubs

uncomfortable.

2008-02-18T05:12:00.000-08:00

the expression, "between a rock and a hard place," well in essence i feel describes me right now.

i feel like i don't really have any place to go. i am trapped. trapped by my own decisions... my own emotions... my vices.

i guess... maybe it is more confused. yeah i am going to go with confused.

moral of the story is am struggling through a lot right now... so your prayers are needed and greatly appreciated.

O God, I feel like Abraham must have felt when he started his journey of obedience to you, not knowing where he was going. I am uncomfortable not having control of my itinerary, not being able to choose the route. While my present state of brokenness and incompleteness is not always pleasant or comfortable, at least I am accustomed to it and know my way around in it. Help me to let you lead me out into the unknown; overcome my fear with your love, my hesitancy with your hope for my wholeness.

blessings_

mulholland.

2008-02-08T05:56:00.000-08:00

This week in Student Leaders, I took my kids through this passage in a book I have been reading for one of my classes. I read this passage a week or two ago but I have not been able to get it out of mind. This speaks to me. This echoes the desire of my heart...

Here is where we begin to let the Spirit of God reveal to us aspects of our inner being that have been invisible to our view but that now we begin to see as hindrances to our growth toward wholeness in the image of Christ. God is very gracious in revealing these things to us, not all at once, but only as we are able to deal with them… We think that we are holding nothing back, and that we are not clinging to ourselves or to anything else. We should rather die than hesitate to make a complete sacrifice. But, in the daily round, God constantly shows us new areas. We find in our hearts a thousand things, which we would have sworn were not there. God only shows them to us as he makes them appear. It is like an abscess which bursts. The moment when it bursts is the only one that horrifies us. Before that, we were carrying it without feeling it, and we did not think we had it. However, we did have it, and it only broke because we had it. When it was hidden, we thought that we were healthy and quite as we should be. When it breaks we smell the stench of the pus. The breaking is healthy, although it is painful and disgusting. Each of us carries in the depth of his heart a mass of filth, which would make us die of shame if God should show us all its poison and horror. Self-love would be in an unbearable suffering. I am not speaking now of those whose hearts are gangrenous with enormous vices. I am speaking of the souls which seem honest and pure. We should see a foolish vanity which does not dare to come out in the open, and which stays in shame in the deepest folds of the heart. We should see self-complacencies, heights of pride, subtle selfishness and a thousand windings within, which are as real as they are inexplicable… At this stage God begins the process of disclosing to us those deep festering sores of our being in order that we may offer them up to God through the disciplines into which we have been led for their healing.

_Mulholland
Invitation to a Journey, pg. 84-85

Here is where I struggle. It is those deep, festering aspects that I don't want to deal with. I know I have to come to grips with my reality sometime... but fear holds me back.

"When it was hidden, we thought that we were healthy and quite as we should be... Each of us carries in the depth of his heart a mass of filth, which would make us die of shame if God should show us all its poison and horror."

This sentence puts a knot in my stomach every time I read it:

"I am not speaking now of those whose hearts are gangrenous with enormous vices. I am speaking of the souls which seem honest and pure."

This is me when I am real. I am a soul that seems honest... and pure... and OK. I got it all together... supposedly. Or at least... I force myself into believing the myth. I trick myself into believing I am healthy and everything in my being is quite as it should be.

So I am at a stage of submission. A crossroad.

"At this stage God begins the process of disclosing to us those deep festering sores of our being in order that we may offer them up to God through the disciplines into which we have been led for their healing."

Thank You God.

2008-02-01T09:53:00.000-08:00

so this is me at this point in life.

the semester has started out extremely busy. much busier than i expected actually. however... i am excited to see how this semester all works out.

i am on my way to cedarville university tonight for a soccer tournament tomorrow. so that should be quite an enjoyable time.

campus life is going really well. i am building a lot of new relationships which is exciting. however... something weighing heavily on my heart is the mere fact that I am struggling hard core with keeping CL fresh for these kids. I feel torn between sticking with what works... and wanting to do more and change it up... I guess my greatest fear here is for kids to stop coming because of boredom. i don't know. so... I am at a loss on what to do next and where to take this whole thing...

i met with Nate yesterday who is my "supervisor." He really isn't my supervisor and doesn't have any authority over me... however he does the same thing I do... he has just been here for years... so he is more like my mentor. i expressed with him my fears and assured me not to worry. these feelings are normal. he also said that that opinion is one that many other CL directors around the area share right now... everybody is struggling with where to take this whole ministry. so that was encouraging.

the biggest and best information i have to relay to the three of you that read this is regarding my summer.

I have accepted a job offer in Colorado for this summer from Noah's Ark Rafting Company! Yahoo! lol. I am super excited for this opportunity! What i will do is simply this: guide white-water rafting trips, backpacking trips, and rock climbing trips. One question.

Can it get any better than that?

If you were wondering... the answer is no. :)

Anyways.... i got to go to class... there is a quick update on my life.
blessings.

prayer.

2008-01-26T21:40:00.001-08:00

i wish i didn't care.
it'd be much easier that way.
but i do.

i can't help it.
i feel.
i hurt.
i suffer.

i long to be healed.

_blessings

warriors.

2008-01-20T12:00:00.001-08:00

We desire to be warriors, but we no longer have a battlefield. It has been stripped away from us.

I wrote this sentence today while writing a research paper on "The effects of negative communication lines between fathers and sons and the impact the absence a father has on the their sons in intimate relationships later on in life."

It just came out.

I couldn't get it out of my head. I don't know what it is... but i like it. Working through it.

We desire to be warriors, but we no longer have a battlefield. It has been stripped away from us.

not anymore.

2008-01-20T11:37:00.000-08:00

i want to ask for your forgiveness. but I fear you don't forgive.
i don't like where i stand. but then again. do you?
i'm tired. give me eternal rest.
i need something i can't describe. nor can i tell you what's in my heart.
maybe i have already found it. i doubt it.
i want to feel your grace. lacking mercy?
forgiveness exists but not for me. not anymore.

blessings.

for the sake of motion.

2008-01-17T21:30:00.000-08:00

Someone please turn the lights back on
I’ve been wandering here for days, disconnected, and in search
For new air to breathe in

I don’t think I can fix this
Don’t think I could change

But that’s the problem
We never speak to Him
Our walls have caged us in
And I can’t quite remember

This was the first time I didn’t say enough
This was the only time I kept it close enough

Brace yourself! They’re not waking up

Oh, my God
I hate the me that I’ve become
This needy useless forgetting one
Truthfully I can’t be the me that I’ve washed up to be

Don’t stop breathing
The walls have just begun to spin
Just let the water calm you this time
It’s all around you, just open your eyes and take a look
It will never kill you; not this time

It’s all around you
We’re surrounded for all I care

Brace yourself right now
Lights out I’m not breathing
I can’t keep swimming, can’t keep my head up
_underoath

fragile.

2008-01-15T09:09:00.000-08:00

in an attempt to dull-down my blogs and allow for more rapid blogging... i will be including photos periodically to appease the masses.

fragile.

_bless

i'd rather suffocate.

2008-01-12T22:07:00.000-08:00

Am I selfish as hell? Who knows? It comes down to the fact that for some strange reason… I needed space. I needed a break. I need to live my own life. Not sure what that means. I was lacking peace. The opposite of peace is disruption, noise, panic… No not those. Everything in me wanted to keep what I had… but there is this ever-small voice in opposition. Give up what you have for something greater… in the future. Selfish desires. Controlling and holding on. To what? Control. Not allowing myself to give fully of myself because of… fear? What can set me free? Maybe, hopefully, the absence of what is oh so good can bring healing. Striving to be a man but still squandering and puddle jumping in childhood. A free-spirit desiring to break the chains of control on my own life… I can’t be kept in a cage! Why do I attempt to run from control, captivity, but actually practice it? Cages keep things in. Have you ever put yourself in one... and claimed that you were put in there… against your will? Yeah. Me too. I hate my cages. My vices. I’m thinking this is how I (we) are fading.

In the quiet of the shadow
 In the corner of a room
 Darkness moves upon you
 Like a cloud across the moon
You're a-wearing all the silence 
Of a constant that will turn 
Like the windmill left deserted 
Or the sun forever burn
So don't forget to breathe 
Don't forget to breathe
 Your whole life is here
 No eleventh hour reprieve
 So don't forget to breathe
Keep your head above water 
But don't forget to breathe
And all the suffering that you've witnessed 
And the hand prints on the wall 
They remind you how it's endless
 How endlessly you fall
And the answer that you're seeking
 For the question that you found 
Drives you further to confusion
 As you lose your sense of ground
So don't forget to breathe
 Don't forget to breathe Your whole life is here
 No eleventh hour reprieve 
So don't forget to breathe
Keep your head above water 
But don't forget to breathe
Breathe....
Don't forget to breathe 
Don't forget to breathe 
You know you are here
 But you find you want to leave 
So don't forget to... breathe
Just breathe
 Just breathe 
Just breathe... 
Just breathe...
 Just breathe...
_alexi murdoch

the top probably doesn't make sense. didn't plan on it to. just flowed out in desperation.
goodnight.

the past three weeks.

2008-01-07T15:23:00.000-08:00

phenomenal.

I absolutely thoroughly enjoyed break. I really didn't do much except for hanging out with the family, catching up with my sister, and hanging out with friends... oh yeah and lots of sleep. but all in all it was splendid. It was just the right length where i just started to get bored the last two days of break. and now i am back.

school is surprisingly... refreshing. i am severely content at this moment in time...

however I am learning a lot. its been very good.

anyways... i am out.

miracle inside of you.

2007-12-20T18:15:00.000-08:00

_copeland
You don't have to be ashamed
'Cause you're a miracle through and through
Oh, and you don't have to be ashamed
Of the miracle inside of you

What has love become?
It's not like we used to hear in those old songs
And it's not like yours
What has love become?

Whoa...your love is in motion
And it's spinning me around, yeah
Whoa...my heart is in motion
For the movement that's in you

You should not be angry
If all she wants is your money
Oh, you should not be angry
'Cause all you want is her body

What has love become?
It's not like we used to hear in those old songs
And it's not like yours
What has love become?

Whoa...your love is a fast song
And I'm dancing 'cause I'm loved again
Whoa...my heart is in motion
For the rhythm inside you
Whoa...your love is a slow song
It's resounding through my world again
Whoa...my heart is in motion
For the song inside of you

Whoa...your love is in motion
And it's spinning me around, yeah
Whoa...your love is a fast song
And I'm dancing 'cause I'm loved again
Whoa...your love is a slow song
It's resounding through my world again
Whoa...my heart is in motion
For the song inside of you

fire.

2007-12-19T12:49:00.000-08:00

2007-12-08T09:41:00.000-08:00

spark.

2007-12-06T13:50:00.001-08:00

_over the rhine
It's not the spark that caused the fire
It was the air you breathed that fanned the flame
What you think you'll solve with violence
Will only spread like a disease
Until it all comes 'round again
Was John the only dreamer?
Sleep with one ear close to the ground
And wake up screaming
When we lay our cold weapons down
We'll wake up dreaming
Obsessions with self-preservation
Faded when I threw my fear away
It's not a thing you can imagine
You either lose your fear
Or spend your life with one foot in the grave
Is God the last romantic?
Sleep with one ear close to the ground
And wake up screaming
When we lay our cold weapons down
We'll wake up dreaming
Only love can turn this around
I wake up dreaming
Everything we've lost can be found
We'll wake up dreaming

jake already wrote this.

2007-11-13T11:46:00.000-08:00

this is an echoing of one of jake's blogs a bit ago.

I want, to bring you, all that is in my heart.
I want to give you, my everything.
But I've failed you. I've failed you so many times.
How can I stand here? How can I stand here before you?
When I begin to steal what only belongs to you
I am able to bring You nothing that isn't already Yours
I am so ashamed of what I ever called my own
Take what I have, take these broken remains
What can I give to You that You don't already deserve
You laid down Your life when I refused to give mine

maybe because it is loud and angry and screamy... i can't stop playing this song.

i'd like to think it is due to the truth that i find in it.

cheers.

Oh God everything. everything.

2007-11-05T07:06:00.000-08:00

Normal. Normal sucks. I'm normal. I don't want to be. It just happens. It is the way in which I fall into the mainstream.

You want to know my fear?

Here it is...

normality.

normality sucks.

"Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it."
_ellen degeneres

this is what I fear. but how do you and I avoid this?

i have no idea.

rough semester.

2007-10-29T04:20:00.001-07:00

for those of you who read this and know me... i love to over-commit myself. it is a disease. i cannot say no. seriously. i continue to add more and more stuff to my already over-flowing plate... I figure I can just pile more and more on top of what I already have... and as long as it doesn't all collapse on me on i can handle it. something i am learning in life is I need to be able to say no sometimes. Rick always said in high school.... find ONE ministry and do that ONE ministry well. instead I have bought into the american dilemma of mediocrity... of busy-ness. instead of ONE ministry... for some reason only of (pride) maybe... i feel the need to take on more than i can handle... the need to take on a billion things and just do an ok job at all those...

this is one of the greatest struggles in my life right now.

I have been... well... for lack of better terms... burned out the last few weeks. i continued to deny it... continued to deny why... i didn't want to come to grips that i have a problem... a disease... i'm infected with Americanism... (i say this not bashing on my country to which i live... no... just as a term to describe our society... the way in which we live.)

at church on sunday the pastor said this phrase that hit me deep and I can't get it out of my head.

he was talking about different aspects of worship and what our worship... what our lives look like... what our worship looks like outside of sunday mornings... he went through different aspects and then said this which struck me deep.

"you know... there are storms in this world... and maybe just maybe for some of you... the storms of this world have just been beating you... the rain and wind have just beat the compassion right out of you... you are so busy that your commitments have just beat the compassion and the kindness right out of you."

nothing super profound... but man... that is what i feel.

my commitments... my decisions have just beat the living crap out of me lately. so... here i sit. burned out at the moment.

at the same time though... i am real excited about this. i can't wait to see how God moves in my heart for the future.... I usually hate church billboards and laugh hysterically at them... however i saw one yesterday on my way home church that read... "its easy to be at the helm in calm seas"

thats just it... i am at the helm way to much... and these storms i can see are here to beat the crap out of me and realize i can't drive my own boat.

i hope this makes sense.

love you.

busy as sin.

2007-10-26T07:36:00.000-07:00

so... I have been busy as all get out lately.

if busy-ness was a sin... i am definitly heading to hell.

well... i think it is... not the act of busy-ness. no but the place that my busy-ness throws my "priorities."

this could be the underlying problem.

a church who welcomes everybody. _puke

2007-10-15T12:28:00.000-07:00

So I had an awesome weekend. We played at Moody on Saturday. Moody has one of the sweetest venues to play at. It is in the middle of Chicago... the "L" runs above the field... Skyscrapers overlooking... its marvelous. We came away with at 3-0 victory which I was very pleased with. Danny rode the train in from Judson so Jeremy, him and I walked around Chicago and hung out for the night. Splendid times. Great weekend and a weel needed break from campus. I left Sunday afternoon for home (HU). After almost a half hour of driving aimlessly lost around the city I finally found the highway. Un-eventful trip all the way home.

However, on my drive I saw a church that immediately made me angry. Nothing that this particular church has done... I don't know anything about them... but what they had on their sign really made me angry.

"A Church Where EVERYONE is Welcome!"

Why does this church feel the need to write this. What this makes me and should make you infer is that there are churches where everyone is not welcome. Should not everyone be welcome in every church regardless of any such superficial circumstances? This really just made me angry.

I need to go though so my venting will stop there.

_bless

words.

2007-10-02T20:52:00.000-07:00

I need words
As wide as sky
I need language wide as
This longing inside
And I need a voice
Bigger than mine.

there have been so many times lately where i am in desperate search of words. words of advice, encouragement, wisdom. but i struggle to come up with anything substantial. anything with substance. i sit in silence. wanting something to come out. some word. some phrase of comfort. but i got nothing. so badly do i desire to speak truth. i find myself in silence. not knowing what to say. i don't want to offend. i don't want to fix something that supposedly doesn't need fixing. silence.

"And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."

my irrelevant Christianity.

2007-10-01T11:20:00.000-07:00

so i believe.

you ask in what.

i tell you i believe in mercy, grace, and peace. freedom from guilt and shame. Christ. forgiveness. the bible. cleansing. the resurrection. heaven. brokeness. a King. joy. evil. hell. eternity.

so what.

if what you believe in doesn't change and invade every part of your life and cause you to live as if it does, have you failed?

if what i claim to believe doesn't provoke a change in me i question whether i (believe).

you ask in what.

i tell you i don't know. good question. let me get back to you. you see i have questions. i don't have many of the answers. ask me that question some other time when i have it all figured out. i don't want to sound stupid. and i surely don't want to offend you with my elementary sized faith.

*i fear that i, that we as the Church, have failed to really read the gospel. i fear that i will stick my hands in my pockets, clutch my single five, and walk away—back to the ivory towers of my irrelevant Christianity.*

seriously?

fail(ure)

2007-09-25T21:10:00.000-07:00

Press(ing).
looking forward to frailty.
walls built.
only to keep out what needs to be let in.
under siege.

passed frail
breaking turns to broken.
(re)assembled piece by piece.
temporary fix to a chronic crisis.

holes in my shell leak
holes in His hold
feeble man on hands and knees.
bound to fail

_much love

a lull(aby)

2007-09-25T09:19:00.000-07:00

I fear a lull.
Nothing new. I'm used to these.
I fear it however more this time,
Inadequate or maybe useless.
Idle hands waving frantically.
These efforts in vain,
Working.
For what?

this came out of me while in class today- without a pause.
scary... no?

change of identity

2007-09-15T10:03:00.000-07:00

so... there is this girl who sits in front of me in my chemistry class. We have only been in class for a couple weeks and there is not much time to talk during class so I still hadn't found out her name. She is a cute girl with long brown hair. She is always very nice when I pass her on the sidewalk.

A couple days ago she came into class and sat down in front of me in her usual seat... However, she looked completely different. She cut off almost all of her hair. It is now just a tad longer than my own. The change was shocking. The girl next to me leaned over and in a low whisper of shock was like... "Look at her hair. It's all gone!" I said in response kind of restating the obvious, "I know." :) After sitting there in amazement at the drastic change for a while, I then began to pay attention to the lecture. This girl then turned around to pass a paper backwards and I then noticed a huge stud coming out of her cheek. Shocked once again, I could not help but just stare at the gigantic metal rod now potruding through skin. I sat there, my eyes following her every move for I was in amazement of the drastic transformation. A once "normal" (now I use the word normal because of my inability to see past my own self) girl with brown hair and a cute face... now had almost no hair and a monstrous metal object invading the soft skin of her cheek. Dare I say she is now ugly. (Again... my thoughts only do to my corription of self).

After class yesterday, I jetted out as fast as possible just like any other day. However, today I found myself walking out of the building at the exact same time she was. I couldn't help but form the question in my mouth and I slowly, almost reluctantly let it out, "So... Ummm... Well... Can I ask what the... umm... logic... i mean... umm... reason was behind... (finger now pointing at her face and swirling around in a small circle to encompass all of the change)... all of... well... this?"

Foot in mouth.

Prepare for slap in face. (A Holy slap here she comes)

Her response as accurately as I can remember (You'll get the jist if I miss something): "well... you see I am involved with Campus Life at the high school and I have been involved in youth and ministry all my life. And well... You know how there is always "that" group. You know that group that stands alone, dresses different, no one talks to or pays attention to but they show up anyways because they want to be a part... even if it is from a distance? Well... I have never been apart of that group. I have always been with the "in" group. I was popular and atheltic in high school. So... last week at Campus Life there was this group... and I was like... man I wish somebody would go talk to them.... I can't takl to them... I am not like them. They will reject me. Then I was like... wait.... I want so badly for them to feel accepted and for them to have somebody to talk to... yet I won't doo anything about it. So. I cut my hair off and got a few piercings... Just trying to fit in and relate... And yesterday... I had some of the most amazing conversations with those kids."

umm... humility hammer dropped on my head.

So caught up in myself. Corruption of the heart is what I have labeled it.

chew on that.

beautiful

2007-09-10T20:15:00.000-07:00

I stole this from Stephen Christian.

I think it is marvelous.

May God bless you with discomfort

At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships

So that you may live deep within your heart

May God bless you with anger

At injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,

So that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears

To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and war,

So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and

To turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness

To believe that you can make a difference in the world,

So that you can do what others claim cannot be done

To bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.

Amen

haha... i'm an idiot

2007-09-04T12:07:00.000-07:00

So... i completely forgot i even had a blog. lol. so leave a comment if you actually check this periodically and are like man... i wish abe would write something... if you do... maybe i will write stuff... if nobody reads this... which is what i assume... i won't bother.

aaaahhh... there's nothing like home.

2007-06-05T20:17:00.000-07:00

Home is no longer in the corn field... no sir. Home is now Martin Street right off of Francis. :) Good times had by all... the full story of the new residence can be obtained at Jeremy's blog... find the link to the right.

It has rained a lot lately... not kidding... like it has rained the last four days straight... this has given us a pretty good excuse to sit around and hang out in our new residence... it has been great. we will call it bonding. love it.

we had dinner with Kristen and Ben tonight... lasagna... delicious! it was a good time to discuss this summer and all that it entails. details later.

the first interaction with anyone in our neighbor involved two girls and the words, "aren't you the two bad guys that just moved into the neighborhood." interesting no? they were very nice. Abigail and Taja. Abby was very inquisitive and talked a lot about her house and their "new" car. Looking forward to talking to them again.

It was amazing though... Abby was extremely excited about their "new" van they got... let me inform you it was probably about a 1994 Dodge Caravan... rusty.... no muffler... yet it was "much better than their old car." She couldn't stop talking about it and all the amenities it had.... the seats could fold down... and the seats could be taken out... and her whole family could fit in it at the same time... and it actually worked... she just kept going on for a bit... i was amazed at her enthusiasm and gratefulness of that old van. Content is what comes to mind. There is a lesson to be learned here.

so yeah... supposedly we are the bad guys that just moved into the neighborhood.... but Ben informed us today that at least for awhile... most of the community most likely think we are undercover cops... a.k.a. white guys in the ghetto ;) lol love it

kind of random

much love...
Toruga

finally.

2007-06-02T21:31:00.003-07:00

We finally made it... well... I mean we finally have moved in to the "apartment." I use apartment loosely... it consists of a bedroom, a bathroom, and a kitchen... and it is sweet!

The most current issue on our plates is figuring out what to call our new residency... "the loft" - "the mookie" - "the pad" - and many other dorkish names of the such are still on the table... suggestions welcome.

The plan for the summer... well there isn't one. haha! fantastic. i'll let you know when we figure some stuff out.

A quick pic of "the hell hole" (jk) :)

_gotuga

this great evil.

2007-05-14T16:56:00.000-07:00

This great evil - where's it come from?
How'd it steal into the world?

What seed, what root did it grow from?
Who's doing this?

Who's killing us, robbing us of life and light, mocking us with the sight of what we mighta known?
Does our ruin benefit the earth, aid the grass to grow and the sun to shine?

Is this darkness in you, too?
Have you passed through this night?

_abe
(explosions in the sky)

summer plans...maybe

2007-05-06T09:38:00.000-07:00

So... I am pretty sure of what is going to go down this summer. Jeremy and I will most likely live downtown Jackson and help out with an inner-city church plant. I plan to play basketball in the park. Thats it. Going to live downtown. Can't wait.

These are a few pictures I took last time I was home of downtown.

This is my favorite one I took downtown. I love it. find the symbolism... :) lol.

Not much to this one...

_much love

hotunga

feeling guilty for not posting.... but not like anybody reads this... ha

2007-03-27T09:41:00.000-07:00

I wrote a paper last night at 1 AM.... he is a paragraph that came out of it... i read it over and said... hmm... i'll post it...

"I think to often in life, personally, I rely on my own strength way too much. I mean it is stupid. Who am I, this little peon of nothing to think that my personal human strength is better or stronger than God’s eternal, abundance. I mean this is the creator of the universe we are talking about. It doesn’t make sense to rely on my own strength; but I do. “For the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man’s strength,” 1 Corinthians 1:25. So what it comes down to is not necessarily how “strong” you are, but how about obedience and discipline? Yeah, I think I am on the right track. What if I was obedient and disciplined? Oh wait, what if I would “humble myself and pray and seek His face, and turn from my wicked ways, then would I hear from heaven?” (paraphrase 2 Chron. 7:14) I think so. So let me stop depending on my own strength and in my frailty, maybe allow God to show his weakness."

_much love
hupooba

the new me... ha!

2007-03-26T09:40:00.000-07:00

I think its gonna catch on... ay?

_in love

hogooieteep

they are not all punks

2007-03-14T14:51:00.000-07:00

So... yesterday was absolutely stellar! It was like 70 out with a slight breeze.... just superb! My friend Matt asked if I wanted to go with him to the skatepark downtown... Figuring a great chance for me to show off my magnificent skateboarding skills and to really impress the kids there... I agreed. We hopped in his truck and arrived at the park. There were a punch of "skaters" already there... tight jeans, no shirts, skater shoes... Matt of course looked the part.... Me on the other hand... well lets just say I didn't really fit the "mold." I walked up in my New Balance 504's, a "Rock for Life" t-shirt, nice khakis, and a backwards Yankees hat (I know... I know... its the only hat I have). So... yeah I felt a little out of place.

We went in to the fenced in park and I took my board to the side and just took a seat (not wanting to utterly embarrass myself and be laughed all the way back to school)... Matt went on and began to skate. This "skater" came and sat by me and was like... "What's up?" ( I was like... are kidding me? You just started a conversation with me?) I responded with the normal response. Then I offered my hand and told him my name is Abe. He said "My name is Jimmie, Nice to meet you."

I continued to sit there thinking (So they aren't all punks... interesting). Jimmie came up later and asked if he could ride my board. I said sure thing. Keep in mind... I have a long board. It is like twice the size of normal boards. He thought it was sweet. After he brought it back... another kid approached me... about oh 4 foot tall... he said, "Man I would like to ride your board... but you don't know me..." I responded with, "I'm Abe whats your name?" He said Dakota. I was like sweet. Have fun. shocked... he took off.

We hung out for about an hour... Matt skated... I just sat on the edges and let a kids borrow my board... It was a sweet. experience.

I hope to go back sometime soon.

Maybe next time I will bust out my mad moves... only time can tell ;)

_in love
torunga

the vision

2007-03-01T09:48:00.000-08:00

So this guy comes up to me and says "what's the vision? What's the big idea?" I open my mouth and words come out like this…
The vision?

The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.

The vision is an army of young people.

You see bones? I see an army. And they are FREE from materialism.

They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.
They wouldn't even notice.
They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the west was won.
They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations. They need no passport.. People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.
What is the vision ?
The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes. It makes children laugh and adults angry. It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars. It scorns the good and strains for the best. It is dangerously pure.

Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.
This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day its soldiers

choose to loose
that they might one day win
the great 'Well done' of faithful sons and daughters.

Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night. They don't need fame from names. Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: "COME ON!"

And this is the sound of the underground
The whisper of history in the making
Foundations shaking
Revolutionaries dreaming once again
Mystery is scheming in whispers
Conspiracy is breathing…
This is the sound of the underground

And the army is discipl(in)ed.

Young people who beat their bodies into submission.

Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts "for me to live is Christ and to die is gain".

Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes. Winners. Martyrs. Who can stop them ?
Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed? Can fear scare them or death kill them ?

And the generation prays

like a dying man
with groans beyond talking,
with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and
with great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting. Watching: 24 – 7 – 365.

Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cosy little hide. Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials. The advertisers cannot mould them. Hollywood cannot hold them. Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.

They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive

inside.

On the outside? They hardly care. They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide.
Would they surrender their image or their popularity?
They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell. A throne for an electric chair.

With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days,

they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.

Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)
Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.
Their words make demons scream in shopping centres.
Don't you hear them coming?
Herald the weirdo's! Summon the losers and the freaks. Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes. They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension. Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.

And this vision will be. It will come to pass; it will come easily; it will come soon.
How do I know? Because this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the Spirit, the very dream of God. My tomorrow is his today. My distant hope is his 3D. And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great 'Amen!' from countless angels, from hero's of the faith, from Christ himself. And he is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.

Guaranteed.
_pete greig_the vision and the vow

How do you like them apples?

_in love
hutigua

i got nothing

2007-02-25T17:11:00.001-08:00

So lately I haven't felt like I had anything to blog about.... so I haven't.
So lately I haven't felt like I had anything to pray about...

wait... did you catch that? Yeah... are you kidding?? Nothing to pray about? I heard someone say that recently... but it makes sense... I mean... It makes sense... if we don't believe prayer can do anything... Why would we have anything to pray about? interesting... no?

"...pray that you will not fall into temptation." _Luke 22:40

"Therefore confess your sins to one another and PRAY for each other so that you may be healed" _James 5:16

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."_Philippians 4:6

There is countless scripture involving the act of prayer or the benefits of it... yet... I don't think we fully believe in it... or see the need... well I guess I struggle with this sometimes... I've heard it said, "You'll never know that God is all you need untill God is all you have." This is a true statement. Who needs to depend on God in prosperity? Hmm...

what if [I] prayed like it all depended on God?

Prayer would be the area I struggle with the most. It's a process.

_in love
namiba

the months of summer... or the rest of my life

2007-02-09T16:48:00.000-08:00

A call to abandon everyday mediocrity and embrace a radical love.

_in love
yotuga

Dr. No - Yup... you got it... James Bond

2007-02-04T14:53:00.000-08:00

For one of my lit. classes this semester we are required to read the James Bond novel "Dr. No" by Ian Flemming. Excellent read... I mean... If I had to read something I would obviously like to read some exciting thrillers with guns, iron dragons, and women right??? right. :)

Here is a passage from the book.

"Now the climb was getting steeper. Grey light showed through the slots in the armour. Dawn was coming up. Outside, another day of brazen heat and ugly wind and the smell of marsh gas would be beginning. Bond thought of Quarrel, the brave giant who would not be seeing it, with whom they should now be setting off for the long trek through the mangrove swamps. He remembered the life insurance. Quarrel had smelled his death. Yet he had followed Bond unquestioningly. His faith in Bond had been stronger than his fear."

This passage caught my eye (by caught my eye i mean it woke me up... by waking me up i mean i was sleeping... by i was sleeping i mean i was bored out of my mind)... But there is some awesomeness in this passage (yup... awesomeness).

Check this part out again: "Quarrel had smelled his death. Yet he had followed Bond unquestioningly. His faith in Bond had been stronger than his fear."

"Quarrel had smelled his death."

"Yet he had followed Bond unquestioningly."

"His faith in Bond had been stronger than his fear."

Are you tracking? Do you see what I see? Did you catch that? The parallelism is phenomenal...

Christianity: We are called to death. I mean if you think about it... we are called to death. We called to the death of our self, to deny ourselfish desires. We are warned of persecution, consider it pure joy to, in essence, die. Hey! Become a martyr! Yahoo! What is our "beginning?" Death is our beginning...

Try this one on... We are dead here on Earth but only through death can we become truly alive... :)

"Quarrel had smelled his death" Do we as Christians not smell our death? I can smell it... I can feel it coming... Invigorating? I think so... However... Even knowing he was going to die... "yet he had followed Bond unquestioningly." If you are not tracking here... (lightening rod) Bond=God... Ok... moving on... For I know the plans I have for you... they are plan of good, hope, and prosperity... anybody?

Now here is the best phrase from this "parable."
ready...

"His faith in Bond had been stronger than his fear."

biblical version:

"His faith in God had been stronger than his fear"

Wow... that is a powerful statement... If God is for us... Who can be against us? Man...

Not very often is my faith in God stronger than my fear of what "might happen"

Wierd how this secular book brought about such an interesting insite and revalations...

I will continually turn this concept in my head to really grasp...

Did you track that? let me know

_in love

danoopa

What if ______?

2007-02-02T11:19:00.000-08:00

What if we truly lived our lives for Christ? What if we lived a life truly worthy of being called a Christian? What if my actions were driven by the sole motive of love? What if I was self-less instead of selfish? What if I believed the "Good News" was truly GOOD NEWS? (more to come on that question later) What if we hung out with the poor, the broken, the cheated, the abused?

What if...

Don't you love the "what ifs" of life? There are countless "what ifs" that could be mentioned, and truly all being valid questions of some serious consideration... however, at some-point... these "what ifs" must turn into (Italicize here) something... (end of Italics) Guilty as charged... These questions are great to contemplate but who cares about simple questions? Where has anyone ever gotten by simply asking questions? I mean the act of asking questions only leaves you exactely where you started... I do agree though that these great questions can and have been amazing catalysts to many movements, revolutions, statements of faith and what not... agreed... don't argue with me there... But at some point the questions beg for action... they beg for some movement from where you have been or where you were when one formulated these questions...

I am the self-proclaimed best "Asker of Philosophical and World Changing Questions and Creator of Contemplating Thoughts Without Ever Leaving My 'Question Bubble of Sitting on My rear'" there is....

I win... simply put... If there was a contest... I get one of those huge guetto (african spelling) 4 foot tall trophies that those really sweet club hockey teams get... seriously...

Just a ranting... sorry

_in love
abe

(post inspired by Joel Reichenbach and his extremely good looks)

people watching in chicago...

2007-01-25T22:03:00.000-08:00

so... I went up to Danny's college for the past couple days to hang out... it has been a good time... good change of pace...

today we decided to take the train into downtown and walk around. We didn't have any plans and what I have come to find out is that is usually the best.

I people watched... I love to people watch... it is so interesting to me and usually extremely hilarious... after an hour train ride we arrived at Union Station... I have never been to Union Station so it was a pleasant experience... we got off the train and began walking through the terminal if you will... we were fish trying to swim up stream... no more like minnows trying to climb a waterfall... the mass of people going in the opposite direction was simply over-whelming... these people... most on cell phones and wearing nice clothes seemed to all be in a hurry... it showed a lot about our culture i think... these people didn't make eye contact, had no idea of their surroundings, just completely engulfed in their own affairs... and the speed... everything in the city is so fast... one observation of many...

danny and i walked all over... during our walk... we visited many a stores along the way... one of the most sickening/repulsive/frustrating/outrageous/upsetting stores we visited was Saks Fifth Avenue (Equally as appalling... we also entered Niamhen Marcus (sp?)). Mind you I was dressed in my usual glorious attire, very appealing, rich, and attractive clothing... like i always am... my hair was combed, i had a shavened face, and it looked like I just took a shower... Ok... so I had on ripped holey jeans, a gray zip-up hoody with paint stains on it, a green john deere hat, and some gloves... We walked in under many dirty glances... I loved it... As we walked in.. I told danny i don't feel bad being in here... I walked in like I deserved to be in there... we began to look at the apparel for sale... i couldn't believe my eyes... Let me compile a list of what we found: Scarf-$250, Polo Shirt-$175, Bow Tie-$95, Flip flops- $275, Derby Hat-$160, a Tie-$170, Shoes-$890, and to top it all off... a Fur Coat-$3500!!!!!!!!! I left mad... I couldn't believe people spend that kind of money on clothes... the most vivid thing I remember though... is not even a block away were a couple homeless people begging for change... like black and white... two completely different worlds... I hated it... there were freezing and starving while people were walking into these stores and spending $800 on a single pair of shoes!!!!!! It doesn't make sense to me.... it doesn't add up...something is missing

there are plenty of other observations i made but I don't have the time nor do i want to type them all out... and many i will or have already forgetton... but... these few will stick with me for a while...

_in love

yotuga

j-term break

2007-01-24T15:21:00.001-08:00

So... decided to drive to Chicago for J-term break... I took 2 of my buddies home who live in Chicago and I am now staying at D-dubs (Danny) for a day or two... it should be a good time... just a quick one though... take it easy

_in love

make over

2007-01-22T19:59:00.000-08:00

So... I got bored with the old format so I thought while I have time (J-term is unbelievably easy) I would shake things up a bit... So yup... there it is... new colors, new fonts, and even... yes... even a profile picture! YAHOO!!

Oh and I know have a photobucket account dealy thing... no real reason except to be able to have a profile picture... but I am sure as I travel the world in the near future there will be many a pictures... yup... so... have a good one!

http://s120.photobucket.com/albums/o168/towritedarkness/

so cross the tracks...

2007-01-18T21:27:00.000-08:00

Lately... I have been struggling with this object of service... I found here [Huntington University] that it is extremely easy to be fake. There are so many "Christian" structures and required events that it is extremely easy to base your faith on that. There is so much to hide behind... I have a lot more thoughts on this... but for the sake of time (I need to go to bed) thats all for now. But tied in, is this object of serving. I am involved in three ministries in particular here on campus. All three I believe are extremely beneficial... However... One particular ministry I am currently involved in is Neighbors. We go around and do acts of service and kindness to the community, but most importantly we build relationships with these people. It is great fun.

We had a floor meeting tonight and we watched a video entitle "The Huntington Project." Extremely interesting... It bothered me... not interesting that it bothered me... but the topic was interesting... you tracking? We were talking about Huntington and the "bubble" in which we live... and ways to serve and I brought up Neighbors... Chris after a well thought out question responded with something to the nature of aren't all you guys just serving within the bubble? I thought and responded... yes.... yes we are... hit me... The bubble doesn't need to be served... well they do... but there are people much worse off...

Even in my serving I have become complacent...

Chris said... It seems like if you wanted to truly serve... remove yourself from the bubble and cross the tracks...

(The train divide the city... our side... where the college is is fairly nice and middle class... but once you cross the tracks... it gets pretty shady pretty fast...)

So there it is... maybe my next adventure will be across the tracks... we shall see...

_in love

to arrive safely at death...

2007-01-18T09:10:00.000-08:00

It has been forever since I posted a blog... I didn't feel like I had anything really to say... but I most likely will be getting back on the band wagon here... and also from the encouragement of Abby:)

I have been doing a lot of thinking and searching lately of the direction of my life... and what it should look like... not about what I want it to look like... To extremely different things... and I am making progress... and let me tell you... I am scared... it looks good... looks like a lot of fun... it is what I feel I am called to... but it scares the crap out of me...

Recently I have come across some awesome stuff... This passage below just absolutely rocks my world... it is a call... a call to be real... To live without fear... To abandon yourself to a cause worth fighting for... I don't really know what to say to preface it... that may be the worst preface... and maybe you don't agree with what I am about to say... good... we agree to disagree... but who I am and who I am becoming and where I am headed is this... This is my personal mission statement if you will...

"Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions. Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention. Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes. Keep seeking God. Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. Stop playing it safe and start taking risks. Expand your horizons. Accumulate experiences. Enjoy the journey. Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can. Live like today is the first day and the last day of your life. Don't let what's wrong with you keep you from worshipping what's right with God. Burn sinful bridges. Blaze a new trail. Criticize by creating. Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don't try to be who you are not. Be yourself. Laugh at yourself. Quit holding out. Quit holding back. Quit running away. And remember: If God is for us, who can be against us?"

yup... i love it... I can't get enough of it...

I read that over and over... and get excited and feel empowered everytime...

_in love
Tobuga
(Jeremy gets to use cool names at the end of his post so I figure I can too!)

2006-11-08T20:59:00.000-08:00

So... Made my day... I am sitting at my computer at like 9 pm. But who gets on... Jeremy Slager! Mind you he is in Africa right.... It is like 3 am!! So I said I quick hi because I like the kid... end of story

I then went to Ecclesia... Our student led chapel...

couldn't have said it better myself: I never can

2006-11-08T09:21:00.000-08:00

If you are familiar with Jeremy's blogs.... You know he has been wrestling with this whole "organized church" aspect for awhile... Don't quote me, but from what I have gathered his thoughts are as follows: The Church in America is corrupt; We suck at this Christianity thing; and "The Greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians; who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle."

I as well have been investigating and contemplating this idea lately. I am not pointing fingers persay, I am apart of the "corporate church" as well, however, I am questioning the foundational aspects of it.

An awesome song has been brought to my attention regarding this. Becca, knowing I have been contemplating this aspect of religion, gave me these lyrics recently. I have never heard this song before, but I think the lyrics are dead on.

"Stained Glass Masquerade"

Is there anyone that fails?
Is there anyone that falls?
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small?

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

***********************************************
Phenomenal, no? I don't know if I have came across/found/read/wrote a better dipiction...

Do some thinking... I know I am...

challenging ay?
good

_abe

the song I wrote, entitled: Finally a real song I can sing because verbal diarrhea is stupid and I hate it

2006-11-03T05:20:00.000-08:00

Furthermore... an intriguing insight... well in my opinion ;)

Extending from my conversation with brett... We were just talking about worship songs... the songs in general... We discussed writing worship songs and how brett has written a few but he felt were not suitable for "corporate worship." I totally agree... I think in the forming of a "new song," it is more than just getting words that sound good together or creating a song that appeals to the masses... I think an authentic worship song comes from the heart... comes from the bottom of the soul... explains our passions... our struggles... our longings....

******Here Lies the Problem******

If I personally, were to write a song; an authentic, passionate, real song... From the depths of my soul... IT WOULD NOT BE PRETTY... literally.... It wouldn't "sound good." Most likely, it wouldn't resonate with anyone else.... This song would be dirty, it would wrestle with my thoughts, it would be real and it would most likely offend anyone who read it.... It would discuss my problems... my struggles... my dreams... my hopes... Performed: face the the ground... It would be filled with huge guitar riffs, full of distortion, pounding bass, slowly building, and building, and building, shaking the ground I am standing on: screaming at the top of my lungs... crying out... dancing... lots of dancing... jumping around... punching stuff... crying... shattering mirrors...

: To share that with a corporate body, oh the humility it would take, but oh the trust :

you see... That would be the only real song I could sing... that is real... that is what I feel inside... and the best thing is... It is Good.

I hope this made sense... If not... good... maybe you can relate or even better... maybe you can't. Figure out your own song.
More to come...

_abe

(p.s. I found out class was cancelled so I could finish what I wanted to say before I forgot)

2006-11-03T05:05:00.000-08:00

Last night I just wanted to leave, frankly because I was tired of being in the dorm... So, I asked my friend Brett if he wanted to go get some coffee. He corgially (spellin?) accepted and away we walked... We shot the breeze for a while and then we began to talk about our lives and our beliefs and it ended up being mostly about our church experiences.

The conversation drifted towards worship.... (imagine that ;) ) and it definetly stayed there. The conversation we had was absolutely facinating. Brett is studying to get a Worship Arts Leadership degree or something like that... anyways... basically, he is studying to lead others in worship. It was just awesome to talk with him about something he is passionate about and something I am longing to be passionate about... At the end of the conversation on our way back to campus, we stumbled across the very subject I talked about in my previous posting... More than just having a time of "verbal diarrhea" (as brett classified it :) ) in worship... but really meditating on what you are singing... and more than just singing with your mouth, but singing with your heart...

All of a sudden I was undeniably preaching a sermon to brett..... I just kept going on theory, and what that would look like (authentic worship all of the time), and why we as Christians act this way.... Frankly I was just venting... and Brett got the brunt of it... But... It was excellent to get what I was feeling out into verbal, audible words....

That's all I have right now... actually I have a lot more which I will post in the near future... However... class is calling and beckening me to come...

_abe

on the line of worship

2006-10-30T20:46:00.000-08:00

There is this song that I can not get over: Surrender by Marc James. The lyrics scare the crap out of me.
Let me share them with you:

"I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within, I lay it all down, for the sake of you my King. I'm giving you my dreams, I'm laying down my rights, I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life. And I surrender all to you, all to you. And I surrender all to you, all to you. I'm singing you this song, I'm singing at the cross and the world holds dear, I count it all as loss. For the sake of knowing you and the glory of your name, to know the lasting joy, even sharing in your pain."

These words strike fear, joy, and humility in me all at the same time. Too many times in my life and for too long I just sing, or more like say, the words of the songs during worship. I move my mouth with everybody else, following the norm; everyone else is standing and singing, so I guess I should too. Worship is so much more than that! It is not about just repeating the words on the projector screen like a robot.. It is a laying yourself at the feet of the Creator of the Universe, it is falling flat on your face in humility, bringing yourself as a living offering...

No small task, however, one I have taken way too casually.

You see... I want the words I sing in worship to not just be "words" but to be the cry of my heart... This is where this song comes into play... The song Surrender has been in the line up of many of the worship sessions I have taken part in lately. It has been so hard to sing these with not only my mouth, but with my heart... "I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within, I lay it all down, for the sake of you my King." Think seriously about these... Here is the clincher... "I'm giving you my dreams, I'm laying down my rights, I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life." I will be brutally honest, that one line, those twenty one words may create the most frightening/convicting lyrics of any song. I am not giving up my dreams, I am living my own dreams. I'm not laying down my rights and I am definetly not laying down my pride for the promise of new life... If I was living with the promise of new life in the front of my mind at all times, well lets not even say that, just part of the time, IMAGINE the CHANGE... I have had to come to grips with these lyrics lately... and it hasn't been pretty...

Continually realizing that I am a feeble, frail man, apt to fail, that doesn't have it all together... Not even close... But I am completely joyful... Why? Because that is the best part... That is what this Christianity thing is all about... People joining together to love, support, inspire, confront, grow and to keep accountable those of us who don't have it together... Me being the first in line...

Join me finding real, authentic, worship

_abe

Worship: A Whole New Form

2006-10-28T20:35:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been educated in the subject of worship... Not that this is the first time I have ever "learned" anything about worship... because I have... I know worship is a choice, I know it doesn't matter how good you sing or that you even need to sing in order to worship... I have heard all the teachings... but lately... it hasn't been the sermons or the books or the pastors that I have learned from... Nope... My teaching has come from the brothers standing next to me during "worship time." Still exploring this and tossing it around in my head... More to come later... but I think that is all I have for now... take it easy...

_abe

the first...

2006-10-25T16:06:00.000-07:00

A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell.
_C. S. Lewis

I love this... why? I am the kid scribbling on the wall without even trying... I am pissing on this whole Christianity thing... I have watered this thing down to nothing more than something to take up my time... Well it's time... strip it all down... turn my own world upside down to figure out what it is supposed to be. I am tired of this crap... There are so many places and things and structured events to "deepen" my faith, however, all they have turned out to be are places to hide behind... This very catalysts for my faith have just made it easier for me "settle." Done with this crap... Time to discover something real

_abe